hiding

bear with me dear reader.
it's been a while.
and i'm sweating and shaking, something that started as i contemplated pressing Sign In.
why do i do this?
this here and gone pattern. that's what i've been trying to figure out, i guess.
what my deal is. who i've become.
so many identities. so many lives.
so little processing, just moving on, never stopping always moving.
i am that rolling stone.
i have no moss.
maybe a few hanging moss roots, straglers, fibrous strength of potential renewal, but no moss to touch and feel. the softness is so hard now to the touch.

in between the gaps of withdrawl, contraction, there are wonderful things happening.
things i've worked for.
and yet for some reason i need to keep those things to myself.
keep them inside the little embroydered coin purse of myself, there to clutch and click open to sneak a peek of the amazing wonderful hidden inside for my eyes only.
i need to keep those things for myself for a while.
not spoiled by another. the potential remarks, judgements i will always have in my imagination. not seen.
to be unseen seems to be the goal here.
man i'm a nutcase.

i've been hanging out with artists and film makers and animators.
can you tell?
i feel a film in me. potentially.
so there's that. scary stuff, all of it.

i keep imagining what it would be like to meet some of the people i have grown connected to online.
you know who you are.
we discuss it, the fun of being all together and so I wonder, what would you really think of me in real life, in comparison to this impression i have given you of myself here, on this blog or on twitter?

i don't know.
i guess that's the problem right now.
i need someone to jump into my brain and clear out the mess, organize my files, make all the decisions to stop the anxiety from taking over again.
you know.
my own worst enemy sort of stuff.

so, yah...

oh fall, see what you do to me?

love you longtime,
leel