Saturday, October 30, 2010

hiding

bear with me dear reader.
it's been a while.
and i'm sweating and shaking, something that started as i contemplated pressing Sign In.
why do i do this?
this here and gone pattern. that's what i've been trying to figure out, i guess.
what my deal is. who i've become.
so many identities. so many lives.
so little processing, just moving on, never stopping always moving.
i am that rolling stone.
i have no moss.
maybe a few hanging moss roots, straglers, fibrous strength of potential renewal, but no moss to touch and feel. the softness is so hard now to the touch.

in between the gaps of withdrawl, contraction, there are wonderful things happening.
things i've worked for.
and yet for some reason i need to keep those things to myself.
keep them inside the little embroydered coin purse of myself, there to clutch and click open to sneak a peek of the amazing wonderful hidden inside for my eyes only.
i need to keep those things for myself for a while.
not spoiled by another. the potential remarks, judgements i will always have in my imagination. not seen.
to be unseen seems to be the goal here.
man i'm a nutcase.

i've been hanging out with artists and film makers and animators.
can you tell?
i feel a film in me. potentially.
so there's that. scary stuff, all of it.

i keep imagining what it would be like to meet some of the people i have grown connected to online.
you know who you are.
we discuss it, the fun of being all together and so I wonder, what would you really think of me in real life, in comparison to this impression i have given you of myself here, on this blog or on twitter?

i don't know.
i guess that's the problem right now.
i need someone to jump into my brain and clear out the mess, organize my files, make all the decisions to stop the anxiety from taking over again.
you know.
my own worst enemy sort of stuff.

so, yah...

oh fall, see what you do to me?

love you longtime,
leel

9 comments:

Jacqueline said...

You are loved.
J xx

firstofmany said...

what would people think if they REALLY knew me... ah, the ponder.

I am happy for what you choose to share of yourself and love the image of keeping your secrets in a little embroderied coin purse.

Hugs to you Keeley. Dissappear when you it feels right, there's no rules here we're all just making it up as we go along.

Stellan said...

I am my own worst enemy too. I can relate to everything you are saying about meeting people in real life, Be yourself is the only way to be. Thanks for sharing this. It makes me not feel alone.

knack said...

beautiful honest words...full of hope...

be real...be happy...

xo

superKez said...

so i know our girl leel in the real life, and she is truly the bestest friend... and i can say that the girl who's here on the 'interwebs' is the best friend part of her, the part of her that is vulnerable and only really surfaces after years of friendship and a few seriously rough patches, which is also the part that is fiercely loyal, completely unjudgemental, incredibly honest, and funny-as-shit as well.
i see this girl with people who don't make it past the outer shell in real life. i would just like to point out, 'interwebs', that you are damn lucky that a girl like this chooses to share the best friend part of herself with you. i know i am. xo

LazyBones said...

It sounds like amazing stuff happening, and sometimes we do need to keep that to ourselves for a while. Protect it and savor it until it feels safe enough to share. I hope it's a joy to experience it unfold, and look forward to hearing more once it's all had a chance to settle in. Lots of good wishes your way!

serenity said...

i get that need to pull in and gestate, totally understandable, the bigger the change the more the hibernatey.

as for what i would think of you in person, prolly the same as i think of you in interwebs--funny, deep, arty, silly, articulate, beautiful, and fabulous. all good things in my book!

sweetmango said...

Honey from the bottom of my heart thank you for the love sent out to Stellan and I. It was such a scary time and I will never forget that you reached out to him. You are a great friend and we will never forget.
Much love to you
xxmichelle and stellan

Jett said...

I already know. There would be warmth, and there would be comfort in silence where any silence occurred.

blessings and blessings, lovely!

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