Wednesday, December 2, 2009
well my friends, im inviting you in.
i tend to leave personal comments to personal blog posts, which i guess is the point since the author has opened up, touched on the topic, so it fits. my personal ramblings can be found in the comments of blogs that include much better written blogs by BHJ and a Million Universes, for instance. as im sure many of you can relate, i consider some of these blogs and the actual humans behind them as my little online family. people i relate to that i only know online. people i have somehow found, in this world, that i seem to relate to. not in a creepy way, freaks. in a wow! cool! hey there (waves)! sorta way. in this particular instance i started to leave a comment on Pacing The Panic Room and his post entitled Grandpa. I encourage you to head over there and check out Ryan (<= link to previous post) and his awesome blog of photography. This post was timed for me. Im convinced. So as I wrote my short reply, it turned into a monster all about ME and not really at all to him, and so i decided just to cut and paste the whole thing here and avoid the embarrassment of hiding behind other peoples blogs.
here we go:
this post hit a soft spot. i am also in the god-awful process of trying to navigate which connections to make, hold on to or reestablish in my own Family. at this point i am actually more estranged than connected. being adopted and then having parents divorce in my effing 30s has way spun my mind.
in my early 20s i met my birthmother, 1/2 sister, a houseful of relatives who all look exactly like me, talked like me, were artistic and creative - like me! My grandfather came from across the country to meet me one summer. He said he loved me and was so happy to meet me. It was nice really nice. And then I came home. And then I was sad, and then really angry for never having the chance to have that love and support my whole life. people that looked like me. guilt and anger brewed from having to hide it from my adopted family since my effing father & his family would not accept that reunion. so i stopped communicating with the biological side. the guilt was too much for me, in this case. it still is. now i feel bad for NOT talking to them, but guilty towards my other family for wanting and perhaps needing to know the blood side. oh life! damn catch 22.
then there is the father thing. i have never met my birthfather. he does not know i exist. i have his name, thats it. product of a one night stand. classic or what? its naturally totally effing complicated as well. my adoptive father (who i call dad)and i have not spoken in 11 months. there. i said it. he lives 5 minutes down the road. he sent me a letter telling me he was getting remarried to his mistress of 3 years (who he left my mother for 10 days after our wedding) a birthday card in May to say Enjoy Your Day, and not a single phone call. i so have no time for that BS. so, i have to figure out if i want to find out where i come from. i know 1/2, and that hasnt turned out so shit hot, but i have answers, right? dont we all want to know where we come from and how we fit into the long chain of evolution? i surely do. maybe that comes from feeling so disconnected my entire life, to now being 37 and saying eff the wondering, lets find this shit out and deal with it. you know, slay some of those dragons.
so to stay or to go? it does come down to what some others mentioned in the comments - regret. but dont look at it like that. look at it from 20 years from now and what THAT ryan would feel with either choices. think of the discussions and examples you want to set for LB and the Tangerine - and especially Cole. But most of all for YOU. Do you want to let your life be guided with love - as hokey as that is - or with hate. You can choose. You can tell your kids that you met your grandfather and gave that a chance. You can be different than your parents.
Holy Shit. I think I need to find my father.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
so do you see it too, the monster i sit and stare at? no wonder i feel drained. being in this mess is draining. not fun. i need to get this place working again. this room contains all things art. it also includs piles of old paid bills, upcycling projects in their pre-up phase, both finished and very unfinished paintings, a few bulletin boards of memories and inspiration, supplies, supplies, supplies, 2 half-finished quilts for my nephews and assorted other crap that dominates my life and clutters my thoughts. oh and blankets and the evil hound herself, Frank. she hates it when i disrupt her lounging.
have i said phew yet? phew. there.
hey, here is a thought, anyone wanna come over and reorganize it and tell me what to do with all the finished artwork i do find when i pull out the 2 bottom bins of that clear plastic thing? good gawd. anyone? no really, i live right near a time hortons, or, if you prefer i can steep you a mean cup of tea or WINE. i will also promise to have lots of goodies.there. i will provide wine AND goodies. whatever kind you want.
to wrap this up, i am considering this my new *before* picture. a work in progress. i can feel some sharing coming! as i go through i will share some of what i find here. that feels kinda right, and a baby enough step that i dont lose my mind and suffer blogger paralysis. so, either way im attacking this mess (and yes, still working on the everlasting process award for most time needed in choosing a new blog/business identity.) there. i will provide wine AND goodies. did i say that yet?!
this might be fun.
enjoy your day, leel
Saturday, November 28, 2009
the disorganization of this place is making me nuts. squirreley. the process of choosing a business identity is not helping; decision making not being one of my strong points. a unique name that i wont loathe in 6 months, that hasnt already been thought of seven hundred times in seven hundred ways? yah. right. no pressure there.
so proof. i called this post proof. proof? yes, proof to myself, more than anything. proof that i am actually moving through this process of change that i so frequently resist. proof that i have created this year, and that yes, this next step has officially arrived.
the problem for me is that i create in phases. big pushes. i stew, and research, and gather and start and stop and re-evaluate, and stare, and obsess, and then and only then do i feel the push to finish. i know the outcome, when i create something out of nothing, will feel heavenly. the feeling of when the flow arrives. when shapes appear and a lone colour screams from the tube to canvas, sometimes skipping the palette all together. i know it will continue to come, but i keep forgetting. why? lack of faith in ability? fear of success and failure? general insecurity? well, i guess all of the above, at times.
another problem is organization. the process of renovating this place over the last few years has taken its toll on my ability to cope with clutter. in an effort to make my studio a more friendly creative environment i reorganized it in the spring. awesome. so neat. so clean. and so so neat. and so so clean. why mess it up? run! stay out! get away! was the result... so i have pretty much avoided it. not great. so not the point of reorganizing the studio.
i have discussed this with a couple of friends and they all agree. i need to pull out the artwork. pull out what i have finished, scatter it around. photograph it and share it. not just sit and continually stare at the 1/2 finished pieces. enough. i need to provide myself the proof i need. that i do finish what i start. that i can create something from nothing. that i am where i need to be. to not be afraid, and actually take comfort in knowing that i am where i have always wanted to be.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Sunday, October 4, 2009
next, legs. home depot seemed to have some basic varieties, so i grabbed 4 legs, 4 angled brackets, and that was all i needed. once i checked out how some of the other angled-legged furniture was constructed around here i mapped out the base where i would attach the brackets. done and done.
so that's my vintage suitcase table b&a! i think there are more in my future. with stripes. stay tuned. so fun!
♥ leel ♥
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Here I sit, looking out at my neighbours house and how the flat icing stucco looks like something out of Tuscany right now. Just by looking at the house through the pines and adjusting your eyes to hide the snow on the garage roof, it can be summer for real out there - with the orange low glow of the sun changing the whites to peaches. This new chapter needs to be official. I'm wearing a long white linen skirt and a thin long sleeved t-shirt. Bare feet of course. And my longish blonde pony tail. Summer wear, summer me. Dogs sleeping at my feet. Live Dave playing. Cigarettes close by. And the watered down Coke. Spring. I'm in heaven.
So I wonder about how it must feel to have this lack of drama that we, the survivors of all 4 seasons, experience every 4 months. Some, from what I have been told, the "fortune" ones live where it's hot and only used to seeing 10 degrees (Celsius) of change in temperature, a couple times a year. Personally, I don't see this as being my choice. I have a friend who put off her birthday last year. It's March 12. She wanted a barbeque outside for her birthday party this year so decided to slide it down 4 months on the calendar. Only people who experience all 4 seasons can do that. And I'm not talking about people who live in Washington DC, I'm talking to those hot climate dwellers. None of those places are all that great in my humble opinion. What do you think when you think of those places? I think:
- Iraq: War & Devestation;
- Florida: Corrution and Hurricanes(again, multiple);
- Mexico: Drug trafficking, flooding and a place to go for 2 weeks a year; Spain: well Spain would be good. They did play a large part in slavery though...;
- Egypt: Terrorism & Oppression but still, amazing history;
- Israel: Don't get me going.
- A democratically elected government;
- Access to Social Services;
- Opportunity; and
I think Canada's kindness may come from the variety of seasons, the circle of life they represtent for us, and our responsible attitude make Canadians patient and concerned members of the global community. Those of us who experience dramatic climate change for 1/4 of the year have about 1/4 of the year filled with down time. We reflect. We give thanks. The world slows down after the intense, stifling, fun-filled spring and summer months. We go back indoors. So we have the advantage, we get a chance to wind down, learn patience and that nature nor time can be tampered with or rushed. I think that those who live in hot climates aren't necessarily the lucky ones. We hear about winning trips to Jamaica, and Cuba and Mexico. Yippee, you're sooooo lucky! Good for you! You deserve it! Of course we do - everyone needs to get away from their desk and lay on thier ass a couple weeks a year. Some choose to take a break from all the 'down time' of winter and sit on the beach with drinks in a tropical paradise of a resort. I love it. Who wouldn't? The difference is that outside the gates of that Garden of Eden lies the real Jamaica, the real Cuba, the real Mexico. I can guarantee you that there isn't a nation just lying around in lawn chairs all day with Pedro bringing them free vodkas day in and day out. And don't be thinking that they are nations filled with wonderful governments, social services, equality, opportunity and freedom. No-sirree-Bob. They be working in the factories, and fetching water, and slaving after our lazy asses all winter - god love anyone who will do that! And for most times pennies a day. See we can visit the Garden but, by god, don't venture out into the wild world outside the reinforced perimeter & guards. Sounds great? No thanks. We all hear the stories about the poverty and people tipping the equivalent of a month's salary to their sweet maid, the extra shoes to leave behind and the cute stickers for the kids. Doesn't sound like any Eden to me. I'll take 4 seasons any day!
I recall a segment CNN aired in the early days of 2005. January 3 or something. It's premise was to explain that the recent string of natural disasters was, in fact, quite normal and not a signal of the beginning of the Apocolypse. It did not mean the world was ending. I can say with a fair amount of confidence that the phrase "the world is not ending" was said by a meteorologist. Ouch.
Warm places are great!
California is sliding into the ocean every season due to fires all summer and record rains during the winter. Mount Saint Helen's gurgled and threatened eruption again this year. Hurricanes - yes, plural - in Florida. Slip-slidin'-away. America in general has had too many natural disasters in recent years - sign o' the times I say. My friend would say "Thinning the herd."
Globally there were earthquakes, mudslides, and flooding this past year. And then there's the big-gun, the tsunami, of course. Havoc was being wrecked around the world, live 24/7 -365. Here in Ottawa: It got a bit cold and dark, we came in ready for the white stuff to come, for the hockey season to start (damn NHL) and a chilly fall day walking the dogs in the leaves. Then we got snow and spent time having holidays and festivities, still watching hockey and the dogs play in the snow. But thinking, hibernating, I call it. I do it every year. And, yes, it amazes me every year how reflective and inside myself I go every winter. I enjoy it. I enjoy hanging out at home when the days are short, with a warm dog, an old quilt, a great book, a remote, a coffee, and a cigarette all within reach. That is one of my heavens for sure. That picture. Who needs year round heat?
Then the snow went away, and it came time to start the other half of my reality. You know, the social, outgoing, tanned, barefoot, patio-drinking, wedding attending, TV-hating person I am the other 6 months of the year. Those 6 months are the most energetic of the year in my opinion. Not unlike Christmas, which is the only thing that makes January bearable. The energy we exert in December is recharged during our laziness of January. September and October weather is bearable because Ottawa summers are hot and humid and we are looking forward to those great sleep-nights that we get in those latter days of August and into September. Kids are ready to get back to a routine and their friends after a summer at the cottage or at camp, or if not sheer boredom of being at home every day with your siblings and parents - for 7 weeks straight. It symbolizes rebirth and a fresh start to many I'm sure, but I bet those nights in early fall are not loved anywhere else. I love those nights. I think most Canadians do.
So, basically my point is this: Remember, Canadians: We may have snow and cold but our rewards are vast. Think of the tulips and crocuses of the spring & the first drink on the patio; the hot summer night walks and cross-breezes we love; a Sunday walk with a sweater on, a coffee, and a running dog in the woods; a snowy Christmas. Simply put, it really as good as it gets. Most hot spots are in the midst of civil war, a revolution, an epidemic crisis, a famine, flood or fire, economic instability, and/or oppression. And many don't get spring flowers or snow at Christmas. We really are lucky.
*1(Ok, we all need to work on some issues and I'm not trying to imply that life is by any means perfect, but I think it's fair to say we are more advanced than the majority out there. Cool?)
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
getting caught up. seems to be a theme i've taken to heart. always running to catch up. to what? i have no idea. just always rushing. like now, for instance. the house is cleanish. i have 3 different clients and multiple projects lined up for the next couple of months. not so much on the art side, the creative side, but the garage is clean and the laundry is done. and it's 10am and i'm feeling like i need to rush. and i have no real reason to.
the switch on me does not shut off well. the problem of course being that once we shut the switch off and i come down a bit, i also tend to crash. highs and lows. one of the reasons i loved the job i used to do, the job i also loathed for more than a decade. the deadlines, the strategy, the hurry-up-and-wait work style. but i burned out. and i could care less about generating revenue anymore. unless it's for one of the artists and filmmakers i meet in my travels, no business writing here folks. since i've tasted working in the arts world and have the opportunity to work with them this fall, i have to be excited. i mean, that's the reason i wanted so badly to be a part of the festival last year, hoping it would just be a 1st stepping stone into something more one day. i love that world. this world. my new world. i think it's fair to say that the recent events in my professional life have been positive. it's just happened so fast. it's fair to say i'm very excited about the coming fall.
this summer has been a blur. i started a short contract holding down a proposal unit for a nice firm here in town, which was extended twice until they found 2 people for their unit, and ended last monday, the 21st of September. I wasn't sure if it was going to be extended again and was getting kinda nervous, unsure of what i was going to do next.
Deep down I had been wondering if I should suck it up and take a perm possition, the rediculous salary, all the while knowing i would be committable within days of signing any perm offer back in that world. i left it for a reason; a short contract at a great hourly rate was awesome for the summer. i saved a tonne, payed off a tonne, and spent little. i'm extremely lucky, lucky enough to be able to 'wing it' kd style for a little longer, and not have to take that job. 10 days before my contract (unknowingly) ended, i received an e-mail from an old co-worker/now friend inviting me to work with the animation festival again. i love the festival! she has put aside a position for me managing one of the main venues. it's going to be awesome. more on that to come, for sure! so that worked out perfectly.
The last week of my contract, the day before it ends in fact, i get an e-mail from another client i have worked with that is the mother ship of the animation festival, and in turn runs many other film festivals throughout the year. in the past i have worked the box office and helped prep for a few festivals, as well as assisted the executive director with some documents and scanning in photos for his latest book (follow the tweets to come!) which is being launched next weekend. it was a blast, all of it, but i was afraid that i would move on, they would move on, and my time there was over. oh, how wrong i was! the executive director of the mothership needed help with 2 upcoming film festivals, so in a nutshell, my contract ended last monday, i worked with the mothership on tuesday, wednesday, friday and this previous monday! whirlwind? whirlwind.
so i have a few days off i think. not so bad. i'll be working with the Animation Festival in october, the Latin American Film Festival and the European Union Film Festival next, working with my neighbours decorating for halloween and christmas as well, with who knows what in between.
so that's what i mean by whattup, i guess. huh.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Here's the gist. The idea is to:
2. Scroll to the 10th photo.
3. Post the photo on your blog and tell the story behind it.
4. Tag people to do the same.
so. the story behind #10 in the first folder. these are my hounds. frank, the evil jack russell terrier that i swear can speak english, and josie, her sweet 'santa's little helper' like sidekick. that day was oops, ran outta dogfood day, and so we got creative. the dogs love carrots and lettuce. i have no idea why. well, the carrots started out as toys for the crazy fatdog (frank) and quickly turned into treats. the lettuce, well, why not. it would do with the chicken and other good stuff underneath, and would fill them for the day until i could get to the store. for some reason i decided to take a snap of the anticipation brewing beneath the bowls. i love how out of focus it is too. awesome.
so there you have it: the evil hound sisters, and their sad lunch.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Thursday, August 27, 2009
i know i'll be tweeting when the new guy arrives. damn twitter, how i hate to love you so.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
for instance, online. it mirrors my life IRL perfectly. little bits of me here, little bits of me there. i have this blog, 2 other blogger blogs, my nerdfighter blog, my old 43 things spot, my old facebook profile, my flickr photos, my picasa albums, my rss feeds. my gawd. i'm scattered.
i want to pull ALL those little pieces of me together. here, and irl, but i have a feeling that if i take the steps to pull all the online parts of me together, maybe the in real life me will feel more patched back together. i'm ok with being patched. i like patchwork.
anyone heard of armybrat syndrome? not sure it's officially called that, but you get my point. in one discussion with a therapist we discussed this theory that children who move around a lot and change schools, make new friends (easily or not), continually being uprooted and part of a moving family often continue to pattern that as adults. few roots, the rolling stone gathers no moss types. the entire time the family just keeps moving, the kids are learning what it is to be a nuclear family (if they stayed together), but never learning what it is to have long term relationships outside of that. to generalize, some then tend to move freely and easily from situation to situation needing constant change yet craving stability. some need to keep moving, changing. duh. we do what we know. but it's bigger than that. we feel disconnected. connections, friends, get lost with each move. and so as adults, we mimic this. i mimic this. in most areas of my life. and so i feel like i just can't Be. can't sit still. and i so want to.
in an effort to consolidate and obliterate the many loose ends that are making my mind cluttered and scattered all at once, i am going to start to repost some of my other blog pieces here. as a way of doing some web housecleaning like. it'll be interesting to see all my web personalities come together, i think. it'll be cleansing, at the very least, with more posts!
ok, enough of the deep crap. i'm 1/2 through making a vintage suitcase a table! i'm super excited to share, but not much to share yet! i still need legs for it and to finish the top but luckily live within walking distance to Ikea and Lee Valley Tools, so slap my ass and call me judy, i am one lucky gal.
+ have a wonderful sunday
♥ leel ♥
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
I had originally named this little piece Dan, but once i turned it over and saw Jennifer scrawled underneath the seat, i knew her name had to be Jennifer.
So please, meet Jennifer, Before:
& Jennifer, After:
Like everyone, my inspiration comes from everywhere, including the piles of magazines strewn around as well as the internet, naturally. This idea, as some of you may recognize, was from an April article in Better Homes & Gardens: 100 Decoration Ideas, and was inspired by the Alphabet Chair. I love the sleek simplicity of the warm white and the subtle letters arranged to fit each smooth side. I loved the size of the kidlet rocker for my sweet nephew who was turning 3 soon! Naturally, I had to give it a try. (See end of post for additional images!)
I first needed my husband, the Bub, and his handy skills to fix a couple of missing dowels and reglue the unglued portions that were making the rocking chair unusable when i found it. Once that was completed and the little chair was ready to rock (sorry, I couldn’t resist) I set to giving it a thorough sanding with my hand sander, and used pieces of sandpaper wrapped around each dowel to sand them.
Since I wasn’t sure how the chipboard and foam stickers I purchased were going to work on primer, I decided to adhere them directly to the sanded wood. Since this was such a small piece with few surfaces that weren’t rounded I decided to only do the back and front of the backrest. Less to pick at for little fingers, was my line of thinking as well. (That’s just what I need. A choking nephew. Thanks Auntie for the choking hazard!) I was also trying to make sure the backrest took on a seamless look, with few edges of the letters sticking up and peeling away as possible. Before attempting the front, I completed and primed the back to see what would happen to the letters. If the foam shrivelled and resisted the primer or the chipboard got soggy and lost all shape I needed to know! Especially before starting the front, the side I imagine most visible.
After 2 coats of spray primer and few signs of peeling I continued to apply the letters to the front portion of the backrest. I had imagined needing to peel off the letters and reapply them with the glue I had bought in preparation for such event, but to my delight the adhesive on the back of chipboard and foam letters seems amazingly substantial. Once I had all the letters adhered, I finished priming the front. Finally, onto my favourite part - the paint part! Heirloom White was what I chose since I really was going for a re-creation of the adult alphabet chair. 2 coats over top (maybe more on the letters themselves) and a perfect membrane had formed over the letters – the foam hardened somewhat and the cardboard fastened strong. Perfect!
I decided to make a little removable cushion with ties from some scrap flannel fabric and polyfill I had stored away, for little bums get sore on wooden chairs, I imagine. I found as I attached this little 9x9” cushion that it might double as a nice little lumbar support cushion as well. Who knows. Removable is key, so I just went with it.
(click to enlarge)
I have to admit when my nephew pointed to it and said “what’s that” and I said “it’s a chair. Guess who made it for you?” and he replied, smiling “auntie?! it’s a ROCKING chair!!! ” and moved the other gift bags in his way so he could have a little sit and a rock, I knew it was perfection. Sweet perfection.
Happy 3rd Birthday buddy!
♥ leel ♥
Thursday, August 6, 2009
so i have a sense of humour about 50% of the time. i digress.
my sense of humour: when in need of a pick me up, i have a few websites i go to for a guaranteed laugh. one that i have been frequenting for a while is http://www.awkwardfamilyphotos.com/.
It's totally my kinda thing. hilarious actual pictures of people in weird outfits and/or rediculous poses. what's not to love?
i have another one as well. it just so happens i met my first tweet friend mchen IRL (I KNOW! she's superawesome coolio) to pick up the t-shirts i got from her sicksweet etsy shop last evening. It was via her blog, i was recently introduced me to this cool site The “Blog” of “Unnecessary” Quotation Marks. i know. the titles pretty much speak for themselves. i love anything public that is misspelled or oddly hand written. so, obviously i love Love LOVE that site too. lots of lolz. days of lolz in fact. back on track.
i remember tweeting a few days ago that one of the local free/upcycling newsletter i receive has some pretty funny stuff offered and/or taken by, who i like to think, are multi-media artists or the like. taking weird stuff and using weird stuff to make cool stuff. yup. i can relate. I also think about all the potential serial killers lurking behind every retro 60's teak dining set or old box of jars. but i'm a little imaginative like that. or i read the news too much. one or the other. you decide later.
ok, so. tonight. i open one of the many newsletters i get on upcycling, and inserted somewhere between nana's basement couch and a need for cottage windows there is this little jem of lolness (yes, that is SO a word.) I have removed any reference to any actual organization by way of the X below. I have left it as is. cut and pasted as the moderator intended...
X is not a charity, nor should any of its members expect it to be one. X exists solely to keep items out of the landfill. We want everybody --- rich or poor --- to feel comfortable requesting an item, no questions asked. So please do not include a sob story with your request. (I've been editing them out of any messages if I get the chance.)"What is a sob story?" I hear you ask. Here's an example:
A SOB STORY
I have 27 kids all under the age of 11, and I don't get any child support because their fathers are either dead or in prison. We are desperate for a plasma TV. Of course it should be at least 60 inches wide because we all have to crowd in front of it at the same time. If you have a plasma TV that is at least 60 inches wide, give it to us, because we need it more than you do but we can't afford it because of all those dead and/or deadbeat fathers.
Old Lady Who Lives in a Shoe
If any members of X really do live in a shoe, I apologize ... I didn't mean you.
Moderator, Local X
personally, i think that moderator should have their own blog; i can only imagine the things she must edit out. i'll be sure to keep my eyes peeled for any new jems that might suit a follow-up post. so, on that note: upcycle!
& never, ever believe the hype
♥ leel ♥
Friday, July 31, 2009
in case you haven't noticed, from my not so subtle posts. or lack there of.
my anxiety has been winning the battle it seems. i suffered my first panic attack at age 4 and have suffered ever since. the last 10 years i have taken paxil, made amazing "oh my god I can travel and eat in restaurants" improvements, and am in the process of weaning off of effexor. i am enjoying feeling actual emotions these days, but battling my anxiety has taken it's tole on my life. i'm functioning, but not thriving. i'm looking for answers still.
the last 3 years of my life have been the hardest. and if i look back to the previous few, they weren't so shit hot either. on the flipside, there have been some of the most exciting and amazing events interspersed within the shitstorm. so many, and so close to so many other events, that i kinda lost it. not kinda. totally. identity crisis 101. right here.
i wrote a lot about this when it was happening, on a couple of other sites, but nothing where my new friends would see. to those new to the shitstorm, as i will lovingly refer to the past 5 years, i'll give you a little summary. math style, like.
a) 2003 purchase house with (now local celebrity) boyfriend + get (unhappily) knocked up + job change + engagement ring + miscarriage night before friends wedding i'm in + breakup + i keep house + trips to NYC + dating long distance + new contract = end of 2004
b) 2005 = change jobs + end LD relationship + paternal grandmother dies + meet husband (The Bub)+ fall in love + my younger brother gets married & pregnant 1 month later + we travel to meet The Bub's entire family in Portugal + we get engaged December 30, 2005 in the the Algarve. YAY!
c) 2006 = wedding + honeymoon to my old hometowns, The Bub meets my birthmother + 10 days after our honeymoon my (adoptive) mother announces my father's affair (after 37 years of marriage) of 3 years with a woman in the US he met while travelling + her knowing for 1.5 years and hiding it from the family for our weddings + nephew's birth exactly 1 month later + renovations + end of contract = end of 2006 = meltdown begins
d) 2007 = my amazing maternal grandmother dies (my poor mom) + councilling + therapy + The Bub gets laid off + lose benefits + The Bub finds a job 6 months later + lots of fighting and unfinished renos + crazy mother + little contact with father
e) 2008 = I worked with an animation festival for 6 months and loved it + the bub and i finish up the renovations + lots of fighting
f) 2009 = complete isolation from everyone outside a select 5 person circle. husband forgets 3rd anniversary + my uncle moves here and in with my mother while he awaits back surgery + find new contract in my old consulting field (managing and writing proposals communications) + meltdown, breakdown, acceptance, looking for answers to my crazy + job turns out to be good thing + fear + moving forward + needing to talk to my family and friends + baby steps = today.
that's it. some of it anyway. but enough.
so, about absences and change. i'm finally feeling like i'm coming out the other side. i've finally had some of the conversations i've needed to have with the few people who are closest to me that matter, and now ready to stop looking back, and look forward. i'm ready to talk about it. cause that's what i do. here. online. cause it's my home.
♥ leel ♥
ps. feel free to unfollow me or simply ignore these personal ranty posts. but i can't promise you it won't stay this way - personal and ranty. i'm sick of trying to be so many people. this is who i am. when i create something and feel like sharing it, i will. when i feel like blurting out my shitstorm, i'll write it here too.
pss. some(most)times i hate editing my posts. I edit all day long most days at work, so sometimes i just don't here. k? k.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
compare growth to the change a caterpillar endures to become a butterfly.
like it's all beautiful. magic. poetry.
but some parts of growth and change are really hard.
sure, the final stages, when that beautiful butterfly stretches its wings out to the sky for the first time, are beautiful.
but what we get to see is only the end.
what happens inside that cocoon is a mystery.
what must happen to that caterpillars body to change into something so amazingly intricate, delicate and wonderous?
whatever it is, i imagine it must involve some sort of pain.
it has to.
i mean, all change has painful parts, doesn't it?
that little marching caterpillar, does it have an idea of what is to come?
and if it does, does it go into that little world, willingly, so it can transform into what it is to be - a newly winged beauty?
or does it fight and kick and resist this change, knowing it will leave behind its little legged world?
i have a feeling it goes willingly.
i like to think these cocoon days i find myself in are just that.
days of cocooning, changing, growing, and awaiting with patience the day when the growing pains of change are over, and my new wings are strong, and colourful, and ready to stretch for a new world.
i know i just have to be patient.
you cannot rush change.
this time anyway.
Friday, May 1, 2009
ok, random screen captures
do you ever love an image on your screen so much you need to keep a little piece of it as a reminder later? for inspiration, like? i have taken to this lately. so i'll share a couple.
here's one from good ol' youtube. the Hip remind me of high school, cottage fires and drinks, annual outdoor parties under the skies, and as always, summer love. so yah. and i just loved this image from one of the Hip's videos, from a great song that will always take me back to those summers 15 years ago. sweet. if we remember the music, we remember the times.
another couple. youtube as well. I have, and always will love great eye teeth. Corgan, Bowie, Jack Nicholson. All faves. I was walking down memory lane listening to some Smashing Pumpkins, thinking about university days of the mid-90's and BAM - there were some sweet pearlies flashing right in front of me.
function+printscreen =inspiration captured foreva.
freaky friday man. sooo not my fault.
love your day
♥ leel ♥
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
some the pics of our tornado-y sky - not b&w: colour. windy!
♥ leel ♥
ps. colourful artlove to come. girl guide swear.
Monday, April 13, 2009
here we go - improvement, no?!
i realize yes, this has taken a long time. i've had a tonne of stuff to go through, as anyone who has reorganized an office or studio can surely relate to, as well as the garden and yard to temp me away from said going-throughs. you can relate, right? right? ya.
the sense of fulfillment, even at this last little push i don't feel like doing, is amazing. i still have a lot to do, but having THIS set up alone is pure joy. i am lucky. to have the luxury of space, half spent giftcards from home depot, ikea and homesense that will be used to pretty up the remaining yuck i can see, and a lot of room to work and play in.
on the list to do - still need to sift through some of the stuff on the top shelf, and also another shelf inside the closet. go through the little white dresser on the other side of the room into a sort of horizontal filing cabinet and rearrange all the papers that i have collected and don't want crumpled. fingers crossed.
still deciding what to do with the pegboard. i. hate. pegboard. i feel like i'm in a basement workshop. even if it's painted a colour i love? nope. still pegboard. i was saying to my mom last night that i found it remarkable that i had to go to the garage section of the depot to find the hardware for it. they come individually or in little sets, and they are not at all conducive to hanging really anything other than garage stuff and tools. i managed to macgyver some to suit my purpose, but there really could be so much more that these little guys could do - and attractively. that someone hasn't grabbed that little cash cow and run with it all the way to the bank amazes me. why hasn't martha or someone ( i might at this point) reinvented the pegboard for other things? i mean really... in the works, i'm considering getting some sort of cheapo stretch knit fabric that will cover the entire surface of each board, but still allow the pegs to easily fit the holes without leaving a rip in it. some sort of repurposed sweater quilt would also work well. hmmm. the hamster wheel is beginning to spin! that tends to happen when i am irritated by something illogical, that in my mind should seem very straight forward.
so, that's where we stand now. i'll be back with updates (and some real content, other than my office) will come. i pulled out that sewing machine this weekend.
i must be feeling the groove of the new space to feel like doing THAT!
hope you are enjoying this great easter monday!
♥ leel ♥
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
here's a supersleuth screenshot of her etsy shop
she is an american artist based in munich germany, and her etsy shop and blog are celebrating their one year anniversay. so, you know, you might want wander through her etsy shop of amazingly affordable prints and see some really great, accessable, art. check out her blog and see what cool artist she has interviewed as of late. wish her a little congrats on her anniversary. very nice indeedie. cool stuff, huh? oh, and to top it off, for every item sold through Earth Day, April 22nd, she will be donating $1 to Greenpeace International. As Stephanie says "every bit helps!"
there is a free draw for one of her amazing prints!
can it be that simple?
i dare you to pick only one you love. triple dog dare, in fact.
♥ leel ♥