Friday, July 31, 2009

the winds of change and blogging, a new approach. Part 1.

so, there have been many changes in my life.
in case you haven't noticed, from my not so subtle posts. or lack there of.
my anxiety has been winning the battle it seems. i suffered my first panic attack at age 4 and have suffered ever since. the last 10 years i have taken paxil, made amazing "oh my god I can travel and eat in restaurants" improvements, and am in the process of weaning off of effexor. i am enjoying feeling actual emotions these days, but battling my anxiety has taken it's tole on my life. i'm functioning, but not thriving. i'm looking for answers still.

the last 3 years of my life have been the hardest. and if i look back to the previous few, they weren't so shit hot either. on the flipside, there have been some of the most exciting and amazing events interspersed within the shitstorm. so many, and so close to so many other events, that i kinda lost it. not kinda. totally. identity crisis 101. right here.

i wrote a lot about this when it was happening, on a couple of other sites, but nothing where my new friends would see. to those new to the shitstorm, as i will lovingly refer to the past 5 years, i'll give you a little summary. math style, like.

a) 2003 purchase house with (now local celebrity) boyfriend + get (unhappily) knocked up + job change + engagement ring + miscarriage night before friends wedding i'm in + breakup + i keep house + trips to NYC + dating long distance + new contract = end of 2004
deep breath

b) 2005 = change jobs + end LD relationship + paternal grandmother dies + meet husband (The Bub)+ fall in love + my younger brother gets married & pregnant 1 month later + we travel to meet The Bub's entire family in Portugal + we get engaged December 30, 2005 in the the Algarve. YAY!

c) 2006 = wedding + honeymoon to my old hometowns, The Bub meets my birthmother + 10 days after our honeymoon my (adoptive) mother announces my father's affair (after 37 years of marriage) of 3 years with a woman in the US he met while travelling + her knowing for 1.5 years and hiding it from the family for our weddings + nephew's birth exactly 1 month later + renovations + end of contract = end of 2006 = meltdown begins

d) 2007 = my amazing maternal grandmother dies (my poor mom) + councilling + therapy + The Bub gets laid off + lose benefits + The Bub finds a job 6 months later + lots of fighting and unfinished renos + crazy mother + little contact with father

e) 2008 = I worked with an animation festival for 6 months and loved it + the bub and i finish up the renovations + lots of fighting

f) 2009 = complete isolation from everyone outside a select 5 person circle. husband forgets 3rd anniversary + my uncle moves here and in with my mother while he awaits back surgery + find new contract in my old consulting field (managing and writing proposals communications) + meltdown, breakdown, acceptance, looking for answers to my crazy + job turns out to be good thing + fear + moving forward + needing to talk to my family and friends + baby steps = today.

so yah.
that's it. some of it anyway. but enough.
so, about absences and change. i'm finally feeling like i'm coming out the other side. i've finally had some of the conversations i've needed to have with the few people who are closest to me that matter, and now ready to stop looking back, and look forward. i'm ready to talk about it. cause that's what i do. here. online. cause it's my home.

♥ leel ♥

ps. feel free to unfollow me or simply ignore these personal ranty posts. but i can't promise you it won't stay this way - personal and ranty. i'm sick of trying to be so many people. this is who i am. when i create something and feel like sharing it, i will. when i feel like blurting out my shitstorm, i'll write it here too.

pss. some(most)times i hate editing my posts. I edit all day long most days at work, so sometimes i just don't here. k? k.


Extranjera said...

Wow. But glad you're feeling better.

leel said...

thanks for the comment Extranjera. day by day right?! writing it out sure helps! scary, but i like to think the truth shall set us all free :)

Anonymous said...

Middens knows Buddons will be ok.

Evangeline said...

Unfollow you for being honest? Nevah! Glad you feel like you're on the road, Keel. And I'm feeling you on the anxiety thing, just got a new scrip from the doc myself. It sucks.


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