proof

for some reason this afternoon i'm feeling reflective. maybe because december is just around the corner, leading to another year to reflect back on. maybe because i have been hanging out in my studio, and not the living room, so i continually face the reality of my not-so-creative fall. i don't know. i guess when you take a side road the bumps might be bigger than if you just had taken the freeway. the end desitination is the same, but the route was different, thats all. i feel like ive been taking the scenic route my whole life, so the fact that the long windy road actually has gotten me somewhere feels a little startling.

the disorganization of this place is making me nuts. squirreley. the process of choosing a business identity is not helping; decision making not being one of my strong points. a unique name that i wont loathe in 6 months, that hasnt already been thought of seven hundred times in seven hundred ways? yah. right. no pressure there.

so proof. i called this post proof. proof? yes, proof to myself, more than anything. proof that i am actually moving through this process of change that i so frequently resist. proof that i have created this year, and that yes, this next step has officially arrived.

the problem for me is that i create in phases. big pushes. i stew, and research, and gather and start and stop and re-evaluate, and stare, and obsess, and then and only then do i feel the push to finish. i know the outcome, when i create something out of nothing, will feel heavenly. the feeling of when the flow arrives. when shapes appear and a lone colour screams from the tube to canvas, sometimes skipping the palette all together. i know it will continue to come, but i keep forgetting. why? lack of faith in ability? fear of success and failure? general insecurity? well, i guess all of the above, at times.

another problem is organization. the process of renovating this place over the last few years has taken its toll on my ability to cope with clutter. in an effort to make my studio a more friendly creative environment i reorganized it in the spring. awesome. so neat. so clean. and so so neat. and so so clean. why mess it up? run! stay out! get away! was the result... so i have pretty much avoided it. not great. so not the point of reorganizing the studio.

i have discussed this with a couple of friends and they all agree. i need to pull out the artwork. pull out what i have finished, scatter it around. photograph it and share it. not just sit and continually stare at the 1/2 finished pieces. enough. i need to provide myself the proof i need. that i do finish what i start. that i can create something from nothing. that i am where i need to be. to not be afraid, and actually take comfort in knowing that i am where i have always wanted to be.

an i have no idea post

this spot will start to contain some more bloglike behaviour. not necessarily art or design related, but blog related. writing. talking a bit. time to see where it takes us!

so. no idea where this post is going. im sitting in the mancave. without an apostrophe or a quotation marks. its bad enough i dont capitalize. now im without punctuation too? the evil hounds quest for all things edible resulted in the great coffee spill of 2009 when i left the home for 10 minutes. on my keyboard. yah. still some glitches. no punctuation and bad spelling as a result. ok, the bad spelling and grammar and editing, still my fault.

im watching my man dave and the amazement of his band make magic on snl. in my basement. without a power cord and only half a battery left. and a sore back from hunching over said laptop in what the bub has dubbed my montgomery burns posture.

im stewing. thinking through possible attainable goals. craving something fattening and hoping toast might fill the hole so i can go back to thinking without interruption from the body. the body. mine feels tired. and old. is it the fall? is it my not so great eating habits? is it the fact that i am 36 and going into my 37th winter? is it all the job changes? who knows. all most likely. who am i kidding. all.

seth myers is on. i like seth myers.

what have i been up to? thinking about a lot of things. reading blogs. lurking around checking out my fave design sites. watching tv. fall stuff. oh, yah, working a couple of jobs. thinking about the upcoming holidays which i am both a) anticipating with joy, and b) loathing with complete disdain. fun stuff.

at the top of my distraction, overthinking and increase in anxiety is the process of nailing down a name and designs for a more pro-like-blog where i peddle my wares and talk upcycling and art exclusively. January 2010 is the goal. enough talking the talk - how many years (my entire life)have i been wanting to be right where i am, right now? seems its time to walk that walk. this little spot has been a trial run for creativity, a place for me to think about posting to, but not wanting to be too personal, or too art focused, or too... something. i havent felt like ive gelled with this spot, but im hoping to change that. by just writing.

so, creative blogs on hiatus for now. we will see what develops when the new excitement starts in 2010. i have got a bit of exciting news to share (well, to me anyway!) and no, not of the child sort so no, dont even. I will be sharing here first when i get closer to the new year!

so now my battery is almost dead. and im hungrier.

love and love,

leel