proof

for some reason this afternoon i'm feeling reflective. maybe because december is just around the corner, leading to another year to reflect back on. maybe because i have been hanging out in my studio, and not the living room, so i continually face the reality of my not-so-creative fall. i don't know. i guess when you take a side road the bumps might be bigger than if you just had taken the freeway. the end desitination is the same, but the route was different, thats all. i feel like ive been taking the scenic route my whole life, so the fact that the long windy road actually has gotten me somewhere feels a little startling.

the disorganization of this place is making me nuts. squirreley. the process of choosing a business identity is not helping; decision making not being one of my strong points. a unique name that i wont loathe in 6 months, that hasnt already been thought of seven hundred times in seven hundred ways? yah. right. no pressure there.

so proof. i called this post proof. proof? yes, proof to myself, more than anything. proof that i am actually moving through this process of change that i so frequently resist. proof that i have created this year, and that yes, this next step has officially arrived.

the problem for me is that i create in phases. big pushes. i stew, and research, and gather and start and stop and re-evaluate, and stare, and obsess, and then and only then do i feel the push to finish. i know the outcome, when i create something out of nothing, will feel heavenly. the feeling of when the flow arrives. when shapes appear and a lone colour screams from the tube to canvas, sometimes skipping the palette all together. i know it will continue to come, but i keep forgetting. why? lack of faith in ability? fear of success and failure? general insecurity? well, i guess all of the above, at times.

another problem is organization. the process of renovating this place over the last few years has taken its toll on my ability to cope with clutter. in an effort to make my studio a more friendly creative environment i reorganized it in the spring. awesome. so neat. so clean. and so so neat. and so so clean. why mess it up? run! stay out! get away! was the result... so i have pretty much avoided it. not great. so not the point of reorganizing the studio.

i have discussed this with a couple of friends and they all agree. i need to pull out the artwork. pull out what i have finished, scatter it around. photograph it and share it. not just sit and continually stare at the 1/2 finished pieces. enough. i need to provide myself the proof i need. that i do finish what i start. that i can create something from nothing. that i am where i need to be. to not be afraid, and actually take comfort in knowing that i am where i have always wanted to be.