three birds

I want to remember this. This feeling. The feeling of being without stress. Without complete anxiety. It’s been far too long since I have felt this at ease.

Right now it’s 6am. It’s really 7 though. The time goes back 1 hour when you cross into the Caribbean. Who knew? I have been awake since 5. When I awoke, I lied in bed facing the balcony doors that lead to my ocean. I could see only darkness; no horizon line to be seen, just pitch black darkness. As my eyes adjusted to the light, or lack there of, I witnessed what I thought at the time was an optical illusion. Out of the darkness 3 birds rose from the depths and their white bodies glowed like heavenly angels. The hovered and flapped beside the balcony for what seemed like an hour. I just lied there, I just watched. I wondered, again, if I was making this up in my mind. Off they flew. My husband tossed and turned suddenly, and noticing I was awake said good morning. I commented on the birds I had just seen, and he replied: they are following the ship. Being fully awake by this point, I arose and went for the balcony door. Sure enough, about 20 feet ahead of my balcony flew an entire flock of birds. Dipping and diving, they followed us for what seemed like forever. I just sat in the dark and watched them. From the balcony itself, I could hear them talking, hear them answering one another. It was as if time stood still for a while. And I enjoyed it.

I was very anxious about this trip. I hadn’t travelled anywhere since 2008. The last time I went anywhere outside my own city it was to go on an ultimate road trip to see the Dave Matthews Band with a friend. She had lovingly purchased tickets for the both of us and I had been eager to get away. Road trips were always my fave thing to do, and she and I had done road trips in the past to see Dave so I was excited. I anticipated it for months. What I didn’t anticipate was forgetting my medication. My medication that keeps me sane. My medication that has crippling heroin –like withdrawal symptoms if not taken on time every 24 hours. Without that medication I became unglued. I fell apart at the seams by day 3. Shaking, sweating, nauseated, I really tried to continue with our trip unaffected. I tried. But I fell apart. The 2nd concert we attended was a challenge. I sat down for most of it or stood with my eyes closed, begging the music to please make me feel better. I had panic attacks the entire time. By the time the next morning came I was done. We were going to head home, spend the night there, I could get my meds and we would continue on the next day. Great plan right? In theory, maybe. In reality, no such luck. My altered state left me crying continually, completely overwhelmed, over stimulated and in somewhat a state of crisis as far as mental soundness goes. I was done like dinner. The thought of leaving the house was enough to make me gag. Literally. The fear of the world was intense. I had lost the battle with my anxiety, in my mind. As a result: no travelling. A renewed fear of public places, crowds and restaurants. I felt like I was a 7 year old again. Without control. I had Nothing. The fear had won.

So now.
Now.
Hear I sit. On a cruiseship in the middle of the ocean.
Happy.
Happier than I have been in years. Stress is not here. Anxiety is not here.
I cannot believe I just typed that. (You just KNOW I will lose it as soon as I press Post.)

I have flown on a plane and been fine. I have eaten every meal in a restaurant with other people, most of whom I have just met, for every meal in the last 2 days. I never thought I would be able to again. But I have. And I will continue to. Because I can. Because all I’ve ever wanted was to be Normal. And I can see that it can happen again; I can return to that state of being calm. I can function like a normal human being. I can enjoy my life. I wanted to write this down while I felt it, because I might need these memories in the future; in Panic. And I never want to forget those 3 birds. I can almost hear them ‘singing don’t worry, about a thing. ‘cause every little thing’s gonna be alright.’ I can. I can hear them.

With much love from the ocean,

♥ leel